The Price of Command, by Niomi, February1998
(VOY: P/f, rated NC-17)

SUMMARY: A young Tom Paris meets, loves, and looses Sue 
Crabtree. 

CAUTIONARY NOTES: This work of fiction is RATED NC-17.  If 
you are under 18 please do not read further.  If graphic 
descriptions of m/f sexuality are not your cup of tea, don't 
read this either.  Some mature topics and strong language.  
Please bear in mind that this story does not have a happy 
ending, so if angst is not your thing, don't read this.  I'm 
off the hook, I warned you.

GENERAL DISCLAIMER:  Everything Star Trek, including 
characters and episodes belong to Paramount, Inc. and 
Viacom.  I'm only borrowing their characters and stories.  
Please don't sue me, I still owe on student loans.

AUTHORS NOTES:
All we know about Susie Crabtree is that Tom and she dated 
at the Academy, and she dumped him, leaving him quite 
depressed.  I've tried to create a story which explains why 
and is independently entertaining as well.  I have tried to 
reconcile cannon events as well as possible, also assuming 
Jeri Taylor's Mosaic to be cannon.  Special thanks to the 
Beta readers for all their time and help!

I have truly enjoyed the experience I've had writing this.  
Thank you for reading it.  All comments and criticisms are 
appreciated and can be sent to NiomiP@aol.com. 

DISTRIBUTION: This story can be shared with friends, but 
please do not post it on the Internet or publish without 
permission from the author.  Archiving at the PTC Archive, 
ASC, or ASCEM is fine.  Please keep the above disclaimers 
and credits attached. 


**********

Tom Paris walked along the beach, grateful to be out of the 
house for awhile.  This was supposed to be a summer break, 
his last one before starting at the Academy.  He should be 
out having a good time, looking for trouble, looking for 
girls.  Not reviewing quantum mechanics.  There was very 
little excitement in that.  At least he and his mother had 
convinced the Admiral that he should have these months free.  
This summer he would be exempt from the survival camps and 
tactical simulation games sponsored by Starfleet that he 
usually attended.  The compromise was that he had to spend a 
"reasonable" amount of time reviewing the topics that he had 
not "excelled" in during the past year.  Summer in 
California was no time to be chained to a datapad.  He 
stopped and looked out over the water, his hair blowing into 
his eyes.  This summer he had avoided getting his hair cut, 
and it was starting to get very long on top.  Now it was a 
bit out of control, and exactly what Tom wanted.  This might 
be his last chance to have something other than a Starfleet 
regulation cut.  Good thing the Admiral wasn't going to see 
him all summer.  He was on another deep space mission, and 
wouldn't be back until the middle of the Academy's first 
semester.

He spotted someone sunbathing up ahead.  The form appeared 
to be female, a very curvaceous female, and one who didn't 
appear to be wearing a bathing suit.  *This is definitely 
not a time to be studying.*  As he approached her, *how 
could a guy with a pulse not at least get a better look?* he 
thought, Tom realized he knew her.  "Susie?  Susie Crabtree?  
Is that you?"  Susie's family had purchased the house across 
the cove last season.  They had met a couple of times in the 
few weeks Tom had actually been at the beach that summer.  

"You got it.  I'm out here sunning my buns."  Because of her 
dark sunglasses, Tom couldn't tell if she were just 
answering absently, or if she had opened her eyes and knew 
he was standing right over her.  

"Well, I don't know about them, but this side is getting 
burnt."  

"What?  Oh damn."  She sat up and surveyed the damage.  "I 
guess I spent too much time on one side."  Then she looked 
up at him, "Tom Paris?"  

"The same."  

"Hey, it's good to see you Tom."  

"It's good to see you too, although I'm seeing much more 
than you are."  She was really attractive; not too tall, 
long wavy auburn hair, and if he recalled correctly, green 
eyes.  She had delicate features and a heart-shaped face 
that gave her an angelic, almost ethereal quality.  He found 
he was having to review his quantum mechanics mentally to 
distract him or else his body was going to betray the rather 
lecherous thoughts which had just been running through his 
mind.  

"Trying to avoid tan lines."  She said as she stood up, 
slipped on a huge denim shirt, and collected her towel.  "So 
how long are you here for?"  

*Thank god.  I don't know how much longer I could keep 
myself together.*  "Uh, this time the whole summer."  

"Wow, how'd you arrange that?  Last summer you weren't here 
three weeks total."  

"Well, I managed to convince the Admiral that I needed a 
break before going to the Academy."  

"You're going too?  I shouldn't be surprised I suppose, what 
else would you be doing."  Tom smiled a mixed smile, she was 
right, what else would he do?  He had actually been accepted 
early, when he was only 15. 

"Wait a minute, you're going to the Academy this year?" Tom 
asked.

"Yeah, I'm going to be studying xenobiology.  I applied 
because I want the chance to study with Dr. Melkonian."  
Susie continued, with obvious enthusiasm, " I got interested 
in her theories of evolution of life in the cosmos while I 
was doing my senior project on the evolutionary 
relationships between species of tree frogs on earth.  They 
made an excellent model system for working out the DNA 
sequence variation between species to determine evolutionary 
phylogenetic relationships."  She caught her breath and 
stopped her hands in mid-gesture, "I'm sorry, no one gives a 
damn about tree frogs or even the evolution of life in the 
cosmos I suppose.  I shouldn't bore you with my project, I 
just get really into the topic."  

"Nothing wrong with being excited about what you're doing.  
That's great that you're into it, but, honestly, I don't 
care too much about the evolution of tree frogs."  She 
looked intently at him, subtly looking him up and down.  

"Would you like to come up to the house for some iced tea?  
I've got a million questions about the Academy."  

"Sounds good to me."  The afternoon was turning out much 
better than Tom had ever expected. 

**********

Tom and Susie spent the afternoon at her house, discussing 
the Academy, listening to music, and just hanging out.  She 
really impressed him, *Gods, she's really smart.  I don't 
think I've ever met a girl who's as sharp as she is.*  She 
wasn't smart in a condescending way, and didn't even seem to 
know that she was any brighter than anyone else.  Susie was 
completely as ease with herself, and she really seemed to 
know who she was and where she was going.  Most of the girls 
Tom had been meeting were, in comparison, pretty vacuous.  
The daughters of the officers his parents knew were a giggly 
bunch.  They'd come up to him at parties, bat their eyes at 
him, and flirt.  He'd flirt back, but he just couldn't get 
that interested.  They seemed to think that a blue-eyed 
blonde would automatically be superficial.  He *was* 
attracted to them, but he just couldn't get past the 
conversation and flirtation stage.  

Going to Aldrin Academy did not help his romantic interests.  
It was an elite military-style prep school, a definite 
holdover from the 21st century.  They did have the most 
impressive academic background of any private school, but, 
unfortunately, no girls.  The had Admiral thought it would 
be the best place for Tom to prepare for Starfleet Academy.

*********

Tom went to Susie's house the first afternoon he got the 
chance.  He was enjoying spending time with her, she was so 
different from anyone else he knew.  As they talked, Tom 
crossed his arms across his chest and leaned back against 
the wall.  He often took this stance, and usually had a way 
of looking at a person that seemed like he was focusing his 
eyes on them, but his face was looking elsewhere.  He seemed 
attentive, yet not fully present.  Susie suddenly stopped 
the conversation and asked, "Tom, why are you standing like 
that?"  

"Like what?"

"The crossed arms, up against the wall.  That's usually a 
defensive posture.  Do I scare you or something?"  

"Huh?"  Tom looked down and suddenly realized she was right.  
He did stand like this a lot.  No one had ever commented on 
it before.  He uncrossed his arms and stood straight.  "This 
better?"

"Thanks.  I just don't want to think I make you that 
uncomfortable.  You certainly don't make me feel that way."  
She continued her very direct gaze.

"So, are you saying that you like hanging out with me?" he 
asked, this time looking directly and completely at her.

"Definitely.  You're such a wiseass, you make me laugh 
constantly."

"I make you laugh?  Yeah, just what a guy wants to hear.  
Might as well say that I've got a great personality."

"Well, I think there's a whole lot to Tom Paris, much more 
than what's on the surface, and I love a complex story.  And 
well, .... "  Susie looked over to him and a hint of a blush 
started on her cheeks.

"Well what?"

"Tom, you do have the most wonderful blue eyes.  I just get 
such a case of the *uhhhs* every time I look into them."

This girl was awfully direct, and very honest.  She was 
unlike anyone he'd ever met before, which was intriguing and 
scary at the same time.  He managed to respond, "The 
*uhhhs*?"  

"You know, you get this little shiver and all you can think 
of to mutter is *uhhh*."  She paused.  "So, I don't make you 
uncomfortable?"

"Oh, no, you don't.  I guess you could say I'm just not used 
to someone who's so, direct."  Sue nodded and stopped to 
consider what to say next. 

They heard a door open and a deep voice call,  "Sue, are you 
home?"

"Tom, come on and meet my dad, that must be him."  She waked 
Tom to the kitchen area.

"Hi Dad."  

"Sue, I just found the best papaya at the market, your Mom's 
going to love it," Susie's father said as he rummaged in a 
refrigeration unit before looking over to her and Tom.  

"Dad, I'd like you to meet somebody.  Dad, this is Tom 
Paris, his family has a house across the cove.  Tom, my Dad, 
Evan Crabtree."

"Nice to meet you" Tom."  Evan Crabtree said as he shook 
Tom's hand warmly and clapped him on the shoulder.  "Call me 
Evan.  My daughter's told me a lot about you."  He leaned in 
close to Tom and whispered, "I think she likes you," and 
followed it with a wink.  

"Dad, what are you telling him?"

"Nothing that's not the absolute truth.  Susie is a straight 
shooter, and very determined, and often a royal pain."

"Thanks a lot."

"My pleasure."  They both laughed.  "So Tom, I understand 
you are going to the Academy in the fall.  Congratulations."

"Yes, Sir.  I am," Tom answered.  "Thanks."

"Tom, did I tell you my Dad is an artist?"

"No, what kind of work do you do?"

"I'm a Holoartist actually.  Tom, come on, let me show you 
my latest,"  he said as he put an arm across his shoulders 
and guided him toward the studio.  "Here we are, now go 
ahead step on the pad."  Tom stepped onto the small holopad.  
"Now just say the name of the piece you'd like to see.  Try 
'Rainflow'."  

"Rainflow," Tom repeated.  Before him the air shimmered and 
he was suddenly enveloped in a tropical rainforrest.  He 
could smell the scent of humidity and decay mixed with the 
sweet odor of vanilla orchids.  There was  alight mist 
falling and only a few patches of light were visible through 
the trees.  The rain suddenly began to increase in 
intensity.  And he heard a sudden eruption of noise from 
high above him in the trees.  A brightly colored bird flew 
high overhead.  The rain began to fall in earnest, and Tom 
felt his clothes getting soaked through.  He reminded 
himself, *It's only holographic.*  The rain felt warm and 
soft.  Then the trees began to shimmer in front of him.  
*Was that it? Is the image done?*  The trees began to emit a 
chorus of low tones and seemed to sway ever so slightly.  
Then from every leaf, the drops of water falling began to 
take on an iridescent quality.  The trees began to ooze a 
multicolored thick goo.  The goo had the most vibrant colors 
and this transformation was accompanied by a distinct change 
of tones.  The sounds now began to take on more power and 
feeling.  The goo flowed toward him towards his feet .  It 
looked like a million colors all swirling together, yet 
remaining  distinct.  The goo moved to his feet and around 
his ankles.  It was cool and smooth, like clay mud.  Finally 
the tones abated and were replaced by the cries of birds.  
The rain stopped and the sun shone again.  As the light came 
out the goo sunk into the earth and all traces of it 
disappeared.  Then the entire scene shimmered again and was 
gone.  Tom was entranced by the effect.  

"That's what I spend my time programming.  What did you 
think of it?" Evan asked.

"It felt so real."

"That's exactly what he's trying to do, blend elements of 
reality with fantasy in a format which stimulates all the 
senses,"  Susie added.

"What an advertisement, Susie.  Actually, I had an 
inspiration earlier today, and if you two don't mind I'm 
going to follow it up."

"No problem, Dad."

"Nice to meet you, Tom."

"Good to meet you too, Evan."

Tom wasn't sure what to make of Evan Crabtree.  He was 
surprised by the way he looked at Susie and talked to her 
like she was, well, a real person. It was obvious how much 
he cared about her.  The touchy-feely stuff was also not 
something he was used to. The Admiral certainly wasn't like 
that.

*********

Later that week, on a clear sunlit afternoon, Tom came by 
Susie's and invited her to go flying with him.  Susie was 
surprised and asked, "Flying?  Do you own your own shuttle 
or something?" 

"No, my Dad arranged for me to get some time in a training 
vehicle every week or so.  I can take one up this afternoon.  
All I have to do is file a flight plan."  

"They let you just take one?"

"Yeah.  Hey, I've been flying since I was five."

"Five?  You're kidding."

"Well, simulators anyway.  My dad got me started with them.  
I've been flying the real thing since I was ten, and I've 
passed all the Starfleet proficiency tests and safety 
training for basic shuttle piloting.  I'm kind of an 
exception they made.  They gave me time in the trainers when 
I got early admission to the Academy a couple years ago.  
So, do you want to go or not?"

"There's no way I'd say no.  Let me get myself together."

Tom took her by hovercar to the Academy. Sue had only been 
on the grounds once before, for her interview.  The guard at 
the gate recognized Tom and gave him an exaggerated salute.  
"Do they have to do that?"  Tom complained.  "I'm not the 
one with pips up to my ear."  

"I think they're only trying to be funny."

"Probably.  The hangar is over here."  Tom escorted Susie to 
the hangar and went to speak to the officer on duty.  He 
talked and joked with him like they were old friends.   
After completing the flight plan, he directed Susie to the 
end of the hangar.  "Here we are, craft 37J-4.  These 
trainers aren't the fastest ships, but you can really get 
the feel for flying within atmosphere.  Its a bit different 
than flying a ship in space."

Susie had been in small craft before, but not alone with the 
pilot.  Especially when the pilot was as young as Tom.  She 
kept reminding herself that he was a very gifted pilot, who 
did have experience.  Once they had taken off, she calmed 
down.  He had such precise control of the craft, she hardly 
noticed the turns and dips they made.  She looked out the 
viewport and took in the view.  Below them the California 
coastline passed by.  Susie found the sight unexpectedly 
impressive.  "I've never seen the coast from this point of 
view before."  

Tom replied with a look that exuded casual confidence, 
"That's nothing, let's take a closer look."  He maneuvered 
the trainer so that they were perhaps 200 meters above the 
ground, and then began to descend and pick up speed.  Ahead 
Susie saw the cove and Tom's house.  He was heading straight 
for it.  

"What are you doing?  Isn't this too fast?"

"No.  I'm still under the limit."

"Maybe for the air, but not on the ground.  Tom!"  Susie 
clutched the arms of the seat and held her breath.  Tom 
maneuvered the trainer so that it was directly in line with 
his house, and then at the last second pulled up and sailed 
cleanly around it, generating a shockwave of sound that 
shook the house.  He looked down at his house with a big 
grin.  

"My mom hates when I do that.  She's afraid something'll 
break."

Susie exhaled and felt her pulse begin to slow down.  "Tom 
Paris, you...are....nuts.  Don't you ever do that to me again 
without some kind of warning."  

"What, you don't trust me?" feigning hurt disbelief.

"I trust you, I just don't get quite the thrill out of 
buzzing your house that you seem to."

"Don't worry.  You're with one of the best pilots around."  
Sue gave him a look.  He was probably right.  She just 
couldn't decide if she found him charming or exasperating, 
or maybe both.

  
*********

Tom and Susie began spending all of their time together.  
Tom realized how attractive she was and how attracted to her 
he was becoming.  She was one of those girls who didn't pay 
much attention to her looks, who didn't wear lots of makeup 
or worry so much about her clothes. 

He also found he could really talk to her, and found himself 
beginning to open up to her about his family, his father in 
particular.  He and his Dad had never been really close, the 
Admiral wasn't around much, and besides, he ran his house 
like a starship.  Not much room for fooling around.  But the 
past few years Owen Paris had been progressively more 
withdrawn and distant from Tom, and Tom had tried even 
harder to get any attention from him that he could.  He 
would get a response from his father when he achieved a new 
goal or did well in his studies, but it was usually a terse, 
"good job".  It never sounded sincere, and Tom never felt 
that his dad genuinely approved of him or was proud of him.  
As the months wore on, Tom felt that his father was growing 
more dissatisfied with him and his performance.  Since the 
Arias expedition two years ago, when his father had been 
taken captive by the Cardassians, he seemed to examine Tom's 
performance with an even more critical eye.  The Admiral had 
never said a word about the experience to Tom, not once.  So 
Tom was left to pry what details he could out of his mother.  
She seemed to know what had happened, but remained very 
tight-lipped about it.  She told him that his father didn't 
see the need to discuss it with him, and she would respect 
those wishes.

Owen Paris was never that affectionate with his son, unlike 
his daughters whom he openly hugged.  The Admiral belonged 
to that school of thought that said that girls and boys were 
different, and were to be treated differently.  As a result, 
Tom felt very distant from his father, and tried all the 
more to earn his approval and respect.  He somehow felt 
responsible for that distance.  If only he was a better 
student, a better athlete, or a better leader, maybe then 
he'd be "working up to his potential", as the Admiral had 
often put it.  Owen Paris never realized how the manly 
distance he kept between himself and his son was damaging 
what little relationship they did have.  He could never 
understand how his son could be "so emotional".  He felt Tom 
was entirely too sympathetic and empathetic.  He just 
couldn't see him making the tough calls his career would 
demand.  Life and death decisions were part of an officer's 
job.  You had to make the best decision you could, using 
your head, not your heart.  He might be a prodigy in the 
pilot's chair, but he was going to have to toughen his skin 
to make it in command.  Aldrin Academy had been a 
significant step in that direction.

Since his sisters Caroline and Janet had refused to go into 
Starfleet, Tom's father had put more focus on "recruiting" 
Tom.  To Tom, Starfleet meant the opportunity to fly the 
most advanced, fastest, and most challenging machines ever 
constructed.  He didn't care for all the rules and 
regulations, but it would be worth the effort for a lifetime 
spent flying. 

********

Ultimately, Tom and Susie were enjoying each other's 
company.  The physical attraction they both felt did have 
something to do with it too.  They'd been hanging out for 
about a week, when Tom decided that he didn't just want to 
be friends with this girl.  Waking up wet from a dream about 
her was the last straw.  He asked her to go for a walk on 
the beach that night.  

"Full moon, very romantic, isn't it?"  Tom took Susie's hand 
and continued walking.  She smiled up at him.  

"Tom"  

"Umhum."  

"I'm curious, what are your intentions here?"  Tom did like 
her directness, but wasn't sure exactly how to respond.  

"I assure you, they're only honorable," he said with a 
slight smirk.  

"Oh, like that tells me anything.  Come on, don't avoid the 
question."  

"Susie, I've really liked spending time with you, I wish 
we'd gotten this chance before."  He stopped and turned to 
face her, still holding her hand.  He looked directly into 
her eyes, he was starting to feel nervous.  What if she 
wasn't interested?  He didn't want to make a fool of 
himself.  "I  just thought that we could try being more than 
just friends," he said, leaving the thought incomplete.  

"You mean, date?"  

"Yeah."  

"Tom we've been spending so much time together, what would 
be different?"  Susie asked with a smile beginning to turn 
at the corners of her mouth.  For Tom, it was too good of an 
opening to waste.  

"This.."  He bent down and kissed her, and she almost 
immediately began to kiss him back.  He drew her into his 
arms and continued, the kiss growing stronger, until she 
broke it and took a deep breath.  

"Wow.  I didn't realize that was there."  

"What do you mean?"  

"That, um, chemistry or electricity or whatever you want to 
call it, but it is there."  She grinned and clasped her 
hands behind his neck.  "I think that dating you, Tom Paris, 
is going to be, very exciting."  

"I'll try my best."  They kissed again, and this evening 
didn't spend much time talking at all.  Neither missed the 
lack of conversation.

********

They were having lunch at Tom's house one afternoon.  Tom 
had replicated pepperoni pizza with Kavarian olives, which 
was fine with Susie.  However, when he produced a glass of 
dark green liquid she hesitated.  This was not the first 
unusual culinary experience she'd had with Tom Paris.  She 
sniffed the liquid.  "Tom what *is* this?"

"Spinach juice.  Try it, it's good."

She looked down into the glass again.  "Sorry, I don't think 
so.  Doesn't this make your tongue green?"

"A little.  But I like it anyway."

"God, Tom, you eat some weird food.  I wouldn't be surprised 
if you liked that Klingon stuff.   What's the dish that's 
still live?"  

"There are a few, but you probably mean *gagh*.  I've never 
had it.  I'm not sure I'd like food that's still moving, but 
maybe it'd be worth a try."  

"That's too daring for me."

Tom walked over to Susie's after lunch.  They'd fallen into 
a routine of spending the afternoon together, either on the 
beach or at her house.  This afternoon was unusually clear, 
so they decided to spend it outside.  They talked as they 
walked along the beach.

"What do you most want to do in your life, Tom?"  

"Gee, that's an easy question."  He replied with a laugh.

"Well, I really mean, what's something that will make you 
happy, that you could spend the rest of your life doing?"  

"Fly.  I don't care where, I just want to fly starships.  
There is something about being at the controls of a machine 
like that.  If you're really good, you can actually feel the 
ship moving and know what to do to keep it moving without 
even looking at the readouts at the helm.  You become 
sensitive to the smallest vibrations and motions."

"Aren't inertial dampers supposed to cut down on all of 
that?"

"Yeah, that's why you need to be very good.  When you have 
that kind of feel for a ship, there's nothing you can't do 
with it.  You can push it to the limits of the laws of 
physics.  That's a challenge, balancing the capacity of the 
ship against the limits of the physics and keeping it on the 
edge without loosing control.  When you know you're doing 
that, it is a real rush.  That's the kind of thing I live 
for.  Sometimes you don't really know what it is to be alive 
until you come to the edge of loosing it."  He laughed to 
himself and ran his hand through his hair.  "Sorry, I didn't 
mean to get all philosophical on you."

"No, I can understand why you love to fly, if it makes you 
feel like that.   Going up against the forces of the 
universe and holding them at bay, that's a pretty strong 
statement about yourself.  I think sometimes the kind of 
research I do flies in the face of the forces of nature.  
I'm manipulating it on the small scale, trying to understand 
how it works. Nature doesn't want me to know the answer 
sometimes.  You can be so sure you've done the perfect 
experiment, but you haven't.  That's when it really gets 
challenging."

Nobody had ever gotten the feel for why Tom loved to fly, 
except her.  He wanted to defy nature.   Man wasn't 
earthbound anymore, but there were still restrictions.  Tom 
wanted to push them to the very limits.  That asserted his 
place in the hierarchy of the universe, and in the hierarchy 
of men.  How many were willing to risk life to take that 
challenge?  Not many, and Tom Paris wanted to be the best of 
the best.  He wanted to take the biggest risks, and be all 
the better for them.  Mastering not only the limitations of 
the physics of spaceflight, but doing it by mastering fate 
and keeping your hide in one piece at the same time.  That 
was the thrill and the challenge.

*********

Tom was studying in his room, when he heard a knock at the 
door.  "Come in," he called.  

"Hey there!"  It was Susie.  She bounded over to him and 
kissed him hello, and then put her arms around him looking 
over his shoulder at the vid screen.  "Quantum Physics?  
God, what a dry topic."  

"Oh yeah, like DNA replication is much better."  

"Touché.  Did you get your intro packet for the Academy 
today?"  she asked as she sat on the chair opposite him.  

"Yup.  Forms, forms, and more forms.  I'd think they could 
just look me up under my Dad's records and get everything 
they want."  

"I was actually wondering about the health records, did you 
read the background letters?"  

"No.  My doctor is Starfleet anyway, he'll be able to just 
transfer the medical records.  Why, what was in them?"  

"I admit, I was surprised by one of them.  Did you know the 
Academy has an "unofficial" policy that all cadets use some 
kind of birth control, unless they register a medical or 
religious objection?"  

"Yeah, they do.  Look, imagine a couple thousand 18 to 22 
year olds in a dormitory setting, under stress.  What do you 
think they're doing when they're not in class or studying?  
Not to mention the academy "groupies", you know, people with 
a fixation on future officers.  My Dad told me that that 
policy has been in effect for years.  Before they did, quite 
a few cadets wound up pregnant at some point before 
graduation. Those situations really messed up some people's 
lives."  

"I don't know if I like being told I have to get the 
implants."

"They're no big deal really."  He replied shrugging.  

"Tom, do you have them already?"  

"At my last physical.  The doctor strongly recommended it.  
Apparently it was the Admiral's suggestion."   

"Are you serious?"  

"Yes.  Look, it doesn't hurt to get them, they don't have 
any side effects.  The only time you know they're there is 
when they're about to expire.  About a week before they go, 
you start to feel an irritation, like an insect bite.  It's 
kind of a reminder to renew them."  

"Where are they?"  

"Usually on the inside of the upper arm, about here."  He 
indicated his upper left bicep.  

"Tom, this doesn't bother you that your father made such a 
big decision for you?"  

"It does bother me, but it's something I knew I'd do sooner 
or later.  I need to pick my battles with the Admiral, and 
this one just wasn't worth it."   

"Tom, I can't believe how you let him control your life."  

"What am I supposed to do?  I don't like it either, but I 
just don't see a way around it for now.  Come on, I don't 
want to talk about him anymore tonight.  Will you take a 
study break with me?"  

"What do you have in mind?" she asked as he got up and moved 
over to her.  

"Well, another walk on the beach would be nice, and maybe 
some rolling around in the sand?"  

"You have got a one-track mind Tom."  

"My dear Susie, it's just going in the same direction yours 
is."  

She stood up and pressed herself against him, "Maybe that's 
true.  Let's go."


**********

One afternoon Tom's house was empty, and he and Susie 
decided to take advantage of the privacy.  They were up in 
Tom's room on his bed.  They'd spent a good deal of time 
"making out".  They could kiss and caress each other for 
hours it seemed.  They'd done some exploration of each 
other's bodies, but they hadn't actually done "it" yet.  
This afternoon their activities seemed to take a more 
intense turn.  Susie thought his kisses were hotter than 
they'd been before, and they were both breathing heavier 
than usual.  She began to feel like she was getting light-
headed, almost like an out of body experience.  She realized 
that she wanted to give up her self control now, she wanted 
Tom.  She wanted to make love with him, more desperately 
than any other time she'd been this close to him.  Tom was 
feeling the same thing.  He was very aroused, very hard, and 
wanted her badly.  She was so exciting, and so beautiful.  
She did care about him, he knew that.  And right now the 
sight and taste of her were driving him nuts.  The feel of 
her body against his was almost too much.  "Suzie, you are 
so beautiful, you're making me so,..." he paused.  He didn't 
want to be too crude.  

She looked up at him, "Thank you, and is the word you're 
looking for is aroused, hot, or perhaps, horny?"  Once 
again, she was more than direct.  "You're making me feel the 
same way.  What are we going to do about it?"  

He stroked the side of her face and said, "We could make 
love, if you want to."  She paused and looked up at him.  

"Yes.  I want to.  I just.."  

"What?"  This was one of the few times he'd seen her 
uncertain, she who usually had so much self confidence.  

"I've never done it before," she replied as she closed her 
eyes.  

"The girl I met while she was nude sunbathing is a virgin?"  

She opened her eyes and gave Tom a look.  "Shut up.  Just 
because I like my body doesn't mean I've been sharing it 
with just anyone."  

"So I'm not just anyone?"  

"No, you're someone I care about, I care a lot about.  
You're a good guy, Tom."  

"Thanks.  So, you're sure want to do this?"  

"Uh-huh."  

"Well, I should tell you I've never done it either."  

"That does surprise me.  You're such a good flirt, and such 
a good kisser, I just assumed it was from extensive 
experience."  

"I guess I'm just naturally talented."  

"Oh God.  Sometimes you can be so full of yourself."  He 
gave her a look that said he wanted to say the next wiseass 
thing that came to mind, but she stopped him before he said 
it.  "I think I know what to expect, but please just go 
slowly."  He felt jolted back to the reality of the 
situation, and felt his desire begin to build.  

"I don't want to hurt you."  

"That may be unavoidable."  He realized this was probably 
true.  "I really want you Tom.  Please kiss me."  He 
obliged, kissing her with as much passion and tenderness as 
he could muster.  He began to kiss down her neck as he undid 
the buttons of her shirt.  She drew her breath sharply as 
his fingers found her breast and began to stroke the nipple.  
He continued to kiss down her throat and toward the other 
breast.  He took her nipple in his mouth and began to gently 
suck, following with a series of slow circles with his 
tongue.  Susie was breathing deeply and pulled his shirt up, 
he stopped his highly erotic caresses and she was able to 
remove his shirt and began to undo his shorts.  Once they 
were removed, she slid out of her shirt and gently pushed 
Tom back against the pillows.  She began her own exploration 
of his ears neck and chest with her mouth.  She stopped and 
flicked a nipple with her tongue.  Tom felt the sensation 
all the way down to his groin.  "Do you like that?" 

 "Uh huh".  

"Good, I wasn't sure if you would."  "You have such a great 
chest.  I just want to keep running my hands through this 
lovely hair."  

"Feel free to keep going, it feels good."  

"I think I can do even better than that."  She kissed him 
again and worked her hand down across his abdomen and 
lightly ran her fingers over the front of his briefs.  His 
body jumped in surprise.  She continued to stroke him 
through the material, reaching down to cradle all of him in 
her hand.  She did have a very graceful touch.  No wonder 
she worked in a lab.  He broke their kiss and rolled her 
onto her back, undoing and then removing her skirt in the 
process.  He stroked her thighs and up to her hips.  He did 
appreciate her lack of tan lines.  He slid his hand under 
her panties and over her dark mound of pubic hair.  This was 
as far as they had gone before this afternoon.  Tom slid her 
panites down her legs and tossed them onto the growing pile 
of clothes on the floor.  He returned his attentions to her 
breasts and stroked along her cleft, causing her to shudder 
involuntarily.  He parted her with his fingers and continued 
to explore, finding her very hot and wet.  "Tom," she moaned 
out his name.  He stopped his stimulation of her nipples and 
she moved to free him from his briefs.  She took a moment to 
contemplate his erection.  She reached out to touch him.  
"Wow, that's quite a sight."  

"Quite a sight?  As in academically interesting or you're in 
awe?"  

"I've just never seen this up close and personal before.  
The hydraulics are really fascinating, you know."  

"At the moment, I only care that it works."  

"Show me."  She said quietly laying back and closing her 
eyes.  

They were both nervous, but incredibly excited.  Tom 
positioned himself over her, "o.k.?"  

"Go ahead."  She slid her arms around him.  He moved against 
her, finding just the spot he was looking for and slowly 
began to penetrate.  He felt some resistance, and then 
suddenly he was inside her.  Susie gasped.  

"Did that hurt?"  

"A bit, but it's all right."  He kissed her again and began 
to move in and out of her.  It took a few strokes to get the 
feel of the rhythm, but it felt amazing.  She was so warm 
and wet and tight around him, he almost didn't care if he 
came, the sensation was so good.  Tom didn't want it to end, 
so he would slow down if he felt close, but after a couple 
of times he couldn't wait any longer.  He increased his pace 
and finally exploded inside her.  She felt the rush of 
warmth and fluid inside her as he gasped and shook.  He had 
an expression on his face that almost caused her to giggle.  
She decided that it would be a bad idea to do so.  He 
collapsed on top of her and they lay like that for a very 
long few minutes.  Tom finally raised his head and kissed 
her again.  "I love you, Susie."  She thought, *Huh?  I'm 
not sure I love you, but it's very gallant of you to say 
it.*  

She opted to reply, "I love you too."  He moved off her and 
she settled her head against his shoulder.  

"Are you ok, I mean do you hurt?"  

"Well, I'm sore, kind of like after a strenuous workout, I 
wouldn't say it's painful though."  

"Good.  I hoped it wouldn't be too bad."  He paused and his 
expression took on some uncertainty.  "Susie, you didn't 
come did you?"  

She wasn't about to lie to him.  "No.  I didn't."  

"Well, it doesn't seem fair that you didn't.  Maybe I can do 
something about that?"  

She looked up at him and thought, *He really is quite a guy.  
I might really fall for him yet.*  She replied softly, "Let 
me show you," as she took his hand.  She guided his hands 
down between her legs and helped him locate the exact spot.  
"Just like this, gently,  ummm."  He continued to gently rub 
small circles over her clitoris, and she began to feel the 
onset of orgasm.  It was different having someone else do it 
though.  It took longer, but it was really enjoyable.  
Finally she felt the spasms start and couldn't stop herself 
from crying out.  Tom had seen enough vids to know how this 
went, but all that didn't compare to having a real live 
woman panting and screaming in your arms.  He found the 
whole thing turned him on immensely.  

"Wow."  

She began a stifled giggle.  "That's descriptive."  She 
sighed and began again, "That felt so good, Tom.  Thank 
you."  They lay curled up together for a while.  Tom was 
enjoying the smell of her hair and how soft her skin felt 
beneath his hands, and he felt his body stir again.  Susie 
felt it too.  She looked up at him, desire clearly in her 
eyes, "What do you want to do now?"  

Tom simply smiled and pulled her closer for a kiss.  They 
spent the remainder of the afternoon continuing the 
exploration they had just begun. 


**********

The afternoon in Tom's room was not an isolated incident.  
Tom and Susie spent a lot of time that summer 
"experimenting".  He discovered that there were advantages 
to dating a girl who not only knew her biology, but had a 
deep desire to explore.  Tom and Susie had a very open, very 
physical relationship.  They weren't just excited by this 
novel experience, they were extremely compatible in their 
desires.  Tom had gone from the occasional date to getting 
laid on a nearly daily basis, it was almost more than his 
mind could comprehend.  

After a one particularly rigorous afternoon's activities in 
which they had discovered the possibilities of countertops, 
they lay together on the couch in the family room of Susie's 
house, which was vacant for several hours.  

"Tom?" Susie asked.

"Umhum" he responded with a smile lingering on his face.

"I want to tell you something."

He looked up at her, "All right, what is it?"

"I just realized how much I really care about you.  I mean, 
I think I'm really falling for you.  Well, actually, I know 
I'm way past that already."  She stopped and looked him 
directly in the eye and said, "Tom Paris, I'm in love with 
you.  I know I said it before, after the first time we made 
love, but I wasn't really sure then.  Now, I'm sure and I 
mean it."

"You didn't really mean it that time?"

"No.  I just didn't expect you to say anything like that, 
and I didn't want to hurt your feelings.  I'm sorry."  She 
paused, " Did you really mean it then?"

"Actually, I think I did.  I know that's how I feel now.  
Since you never said it again, I thought you might be 
uncomfortable with saying "I love yous", so I backed off on 
it.  But I do love you."

She slid her arms around him and laid her head on his chest.  
"Tom I'm not uncomfortable saying how I feel about you, and 
I certainly enjoy showing you."

Tom started to laugh.  "I noticed that, in fact, I think 
everyone on the cove has noticed.  You're not exactly real 
quiet in bed."

"When have we been in a bed recently?" She replied with a 
grin.  Her face took on a more serious expression, "Tom what 
are we going to do when we go to the Academy?  I mean do you 
want to keep seeing each other like we are now?  Honestly, I 
do."

"I want to keep seeing you too.  I think we'll just have to 
work around our class schedules and study time.  And 
roommates."

"I'm starting to get nervous about going.  I'm glad I'll 
have you to talk to, and to show me the Starfleet ropes."

"Don't be nervous, I know you'll do great.  The adjustment 
won't be that bad."  Tom looked at her with a lecherous 
grin, "Did you say something about ropes just now?  I'm 
getting ideas."

"You have a wild imagination, and I'm truly enjoying it.  
But, not now, my parents will be home soon, and they don't 
mind you being here and all but I don't think they want to 
walk in on anything.  Come on, get yourself together."

**********

Without Susie, it would have been a much quieter summer for 
Tom.  His friends from school either had not escaped 
survival camps and tactical simulation games sponsored by 
Starfleet or were able to go with their parents on some 
shorter missions.  He didn't see much of his mother or 
sisters.  Caroline was very busy with her internship at a 
law firm in San Francisco, while Janet had opted to go on an 
archeological dig to Angkor Wat, which was being fully 
excavated and restored.  Susie did meet Caroline several 
times that summer.  She was studying pre-law in college, and 
Susie liked her right off the bat.  She was very bright, 
with a biting sarcasm and a temper which had to be inherited 
from Owen Paris.  Tom told Susie that Caroline wouldn't join 
Starfleet because one organization couldn't hold both her 
and the Admiral.  They were too much alike.  Caroline was 
hell to argue with, and she thought tactics as well as her 
father.

Susie also met Tom's mother, Elaine.  She found the 
Admiral's wife to be the type of person who was very 
difficult to characterize.  She was a woman who possessed an 
understated class, with a smile that conveyed mischief in 
just the briefest of sparks.  Elaine spent a great deal of 
her time that summer involved in a charity project at the 
hospital where she had once worked.  She had always made 
time for Tom, and she was a source of encouragement.  
However, more often than not, she went along with the 
Admiral.  As much as Tom had been able to talk to her about 
so many things, he had never felt able to really tell her 
how he felt about his father.


*********

Although sex was a significant part of Tom and Susie's time 
together, they didn't spend all their time carnally engaged. 
They did enjoy each other's company and found quite a few 
platonic activities to keep them occupied.  Late one day, 
Susie sat on the dock waiting for Tom.  They were supposed 
to go SCUBA diving this afternoon.  She'd gotten the gear 
all ready, and now he was late.  If he didn't get here soon, 
there wouldn't be that much daylight left.  Suddenly, she 
saw him off in the distance coming toward her running like 
his life depended on it.  He did manage to slow down just in 
time to avoid crashing into a pylon.  He was breathing hard.  
"Tom, you didn't need to run that fast if you were running 
late, you should have called and let me know, it's no big 
deal."

He took several deep breaths and answered, "No...I went,  I 
went for a walk, and then... it turned into a run.  By the 
time I realized how late it was, I was half way around the 
other side of the cove."  He exhaled deeply again and seemed 
to regain his breath.

"Why'd you go running now?  We were supposed to go diving, 
remember?"  Susie asked, annoyance beginning to surface.

"I just needed to get out for a while," he answered quietly.

She looked at him with skepticism, "You just needed to get 
out.  Fine.  If that's all you want to tell me, then that's 
all you want to tell me."  She paused and looked at him 
closely.  "Do you still want to go diving?"

"In a few minutes, ok.?"  They sat in relative silence, 
listening to the sounds of the water lapping up against the 
dock.  Tom finally looked at her and said, "I got a letter 
from my dad this morning."  

"Hey, that's great.  What did he have to say?"  

"The usual.  'How's the studying?  Did you get all the 
information to the Academy before the deadline?  Send me the 
logs from your last few simulator sessions, I want to review 
your progress.'  And, of course, 'Please get your hair 
cut'."  

"That's it?"  Susie was confused.

"Just the highlights, there wasn't much in the way of chit 
chat,"  the sarcasm was clear in Tom's voice.  

"Did he tell you how his mission was going?"  

"No.  He never discusses his "work" with me, never anything 
specific anyway.  I'm not even sure what part of the 
quadrant he's in right now.  The message came through a 
relay station."  

"He must be a very busy man, without much time to send 
messages," Susie added hopefully.  

"Bull."  

"Excuse me?"  

"That was out of line.  I shouldn't be taking any of this 
out on you."  

"Well, no, you shouldn't, but you could talk to me about it.  
Is what your dad said in the letter bothering you?"  

"Yes, but even more, it's what he didn't say."  

"Go on"

"Sometimes, I just want to know what the fuck his problem 
is.  I know I'm not an idiot.  I study hard, more than most 
people, and I get the grades.  But I don't have the knack 
for astrophysics that he does.  Stuff I sweat over he reads 
for fun.  I haven't gotten myself into narcotics or arrested 
or anything like that.  I've been the perfect kid.  I'm a 
good pilot, actually I'm very good, better than he is for 
sure."  Tom began to pace back and forth along the sand as 
he went on with increasing agitation, "Do you know how many 
people can do what I can?  Not many.  I can do things with a 
ship that the engineers who designed it didn't even imagine.  
God damn it.  What the hell am I doing wrong here?  Why 
isn't he happy with me?"  Tom stopped pacing and pounded his 
clenched fists into the dock, "Why, what's wrong with me?"  
He stood, and with a defeated tone added, "All he wants is 
to check my flight logs, and remind me to study.  Do you 
know how many times I've heard him say he's proud of me?  
Never.  Forget about anything more personal.  That kind of 
stuff's not supposed to matter to a guy, but it does." 

"I'm sorry Tom.  I didn't really know."  

Tom looked out over the water and shook his head.  "No, I'm 
sorry.  I didn't mean to get out of control like that."

"It's ok, you're allowed.  It's better you say what you're 
feeling now, and get rid of it.  I can't pretend to 
understand why your dad acts that way with you.  My family 
isn't like that at all.  As long as I'm happy, my parents 
are happy.  I could tell them I wanted to become a tribble 
rancher and they'd encourage me.  I wish things were 
different for you, Tom."

"So do I."  He was feeling less of the anger and hurt now 
that he'd let it out to her.  It was settling down to the 
dull pain he almost didn't notice anymore.    

"It's getting too late for SCUBA, but we could still get in 
a good swim.  Nothing too rigorous, just a nice relaxing 
time."   Tom looked into her eyes, the setting sun was 
painting her face with orange hues, and she looked more 
beautiful than he'd ever seen her.  What was she doing with 
him?
  
"You  know, Susie, you put up with a lot from me."  

"That I do."  

"Why?  Why do you want to be with someone with the kind of 
problems I've got?"  

"I love you, silly.  I want you to be happy, and listening 
to you is part of the deal.  Come swim with me."


**********

In the week before classes started at the Academy, the new 
cadets began to arrive.  They faced a round of physicals, 
updating of records, haircuts, uniforms, room assignments, 
class schedules, and jumping through bureaucratic hoops.  At 
least Tom knew where everything was, and Susie appreciated 
having him help her get it all straightened out.  Tom seemed 
to know half of the incoming class, and quite a few 
upperclassmen.  "All fellow fleet brats," he explained.  

Tom's roommate was a very reserved, studious science-track 
cadet.  James Edwards was also going to study Astrophysics, 
but with serious research in mind.  He seemed like he was 
out there contemplating spatial anomalies half the time.  
Tom liked him well enough, and his interest in classical 
astronomy ensured he would spend many evenings in the 
observatory.  

When Tom arrived at the Academy, there was a subspace 
communication waiting for him.  Owen Paris had sent a short 
message welcoming Tom to the Academy and advising him on how 
to best get started.  He also apologized for not being 
there, which did surprise Tom.  The message ended with, 
"Take care," not "I love you."  However, Tom was learning to 
live with the essentially professional relationship between 
him and his father, and it really didn't bother him as much 
as he thought it would.  

Susie's roommate was a Bajoran,  Teldas Kalie.  She was 
studying security and tactical procedures.  Very few 
Bajorans attended the Academy now, the Cardassians severely 
restricting migration off-world.  Kalie's family had left 
Bajor some years before the occupation, and her father was 
very active in trying to recruit Starfleet's assistance in 
the Bajoran conflict.  She had a deep hate for Cardassians, 
and a deep commitment to her religion and spiritual life.  
Susie liked their conversations.  She wanted to know all 
about Kalie's spiritual beliefs.  They had some heated 
intellectual discussions over the ethics involved in 
scientific research.  Kalie maintained that some questions 
were not to be asked, there were some things that should be 
taken on faith.  "If the prophets wanted us to know, they 
would reveal it in some way."  Many people thought that 
because a person studied life science that she would have to 
be some kind of "mad scientist", and probably an atheist.  
This wasn't true of Susie at all.  She had once heard a 
prominent lecturer say, "To study the mechanism of life is 
to try to understand the mind of God."  She believed it.  
Susie felt that life was a delicate balance, and sometimes 
fleeting.  Both roommates agreed that you had to appreciate 
it.  

The first semester of the Academy is actually a weeding-out 
process.  Everyone who is accepted is among the "Best and 
Brightest", but not everyone had the desire and stamina 
required of Starfleet personnel.  It was one of those things 
no one would ever tell you before you got there, and cadets 
only figured out long after the fact.  That first semester 
was designed to not only test the intellectual capacity of a 
cadet, but to test their character as well.  The typical 
cadet never felt dumber than during that first semester, 
always wondering how they were going to keep up with all the 
expectations placed on them.  It frequently fostered an 
adversarial relationship between cadets and Starfleet.  
Older cadets said that if you didn't think about dropping 
out at least once a week during the first year, you were 
seriously mentally ill.  Both Tom and Susie managed the 
adjustment fairly well.  They were glad to have each other 
to lean on and talk about the insecurities that their 
respective programs brought out in them.  Sharing their 
experiences made them even closer.  He had trouble with 
classwork.  Sometimes the theories they studied made his 
head swim.  Why couldn't the instructors just bring things 
into accessible terms?  He'd picked Astrophysics as a major, 
so it could prepare him to be a better pilot.  It was 
simple, he said, "You've got to know the physics to control 
them."  Susie questioned her ability to reason out the 
experimental data she generated.  Sometimes she just didn't 
see what her mentor saw as the obvious conclusion, and she 
felt like an idiot.  On more than one occasion Tom talked 
Susie out of packing up and leaving.  Tom felt like he'd 
like to just give up and leave, almost as often as Susie 
did, but he never seriously considered it.  For him, it 
wasn't a real option.  

Susie continued to work with Dr. Melkonian.  They were 
working on evolutionary sequence comparisons using high 
density oligonucleotide arrays.  They were designing the 
most appropriate DNA probe arrays to use for the whole 
genome scans they would begin in the next phase of the 
project.  Ultimately, they would begin evolutionary analysis 
of all known sentient life forms.  There was a great deal of 
routine work to be done in this phase, and Dr. Melkonian 
appreciated Susie's interest and help.  

In addition to the Astrophysics curriculum and introductory 
Starfleet procedures and protocols seminars, Tom took part 
in an Officer Preparation course.  It was a must for 
command-track cadets.  They studied military history, 
strategy, and the current military and diplomatic climate.  
The only aspect Tom found truly interested him was the 
historical aspect.  He could actually discuss some of the 
more esoteric military campaigns of history, being the only 
one in class to have read works like Gibbon's *Decline and Fall 
of the Roman Empire*.  

One evening, Tom was telling Susie about their discussion in 
the Officer Prep. Course.  They'd read *The Prince* by 
Macchiavelli, which had inspired much discussion.  The 
object of the reading had been to demonstrate different 
philosophies of command.  "So, the point of the book is that 
the end justifies the means?"  Susie questioned him.

"Yes, in a nutshell.  Sometimes it's necessary to do the 
wrong thing for the right reason."  

"Tom, do you really believe that?"

"Well, I can see the point.  I think it falls into a very 
gray area.  You can't just say that doing something immoral 
can be justified by coming up with a moral excuse.  But, if 
what needs to be done will right a greater wrong, then I see 
it."

"I'm not sure I agree with you.  It sounds like a convenient 
way to cover for an unethical decision."  

"Command is a complicated thing.  There can be so many 
factors to take into consideration when making a tough 
decision.  It helps to see different approaches to making 
those types of decisions, before you get a handle on how to 
do it," Tom explained.

"Life is a complicated thing.  You still need to know who 
you are and what you stand for, and never compromise on 
that.  If you do, you're being dishonest with yourself.  A 
person should know what's right and wrong for them."

"Susie, you have some of the strongest opinions and ideals 
I've ever heard.  Not everyone knows themselves well enough 
or is strong enough to take a stand for what they believe 
in, especially if that stand could harm a career."

"I know that I can be pretty up front about what I think, 
Tom, and I'm willing to accept the consequences.  But I 
won't ever be willing to compromise my personal ethics, even 
for a career.  I love my work, but if I were to be asked to 
exaggerate or fudge some results, I wouldn't do it.  
Compromising the integrity of the work, my integrity, would 
make the whole thing worthless for me.  I'd rather give it 
up and do something else with my life."

"I can't say I agree, but I'm glad you have an opinion, and 
that you'll argue it with me.  Kind of fun this battle of 
wits."

"Except sometimes I feel like my opponent is only half-
prepared." She replied with a sardonic smile.

"Ha Ha.  Too funny.  Isn't that enough discussion and debate 
for one night?  James isn't going to be back for hours, so 
why don't we find another topic to discuss."

"Such as?"

"The strategy of romance perhaps?  How to conquer the heart 
of the one you desire?"

"You have a pathetic sense of humor sometimes.  I don't know 
why I keep coming back for more."  

Tom drew her close to him, "Let me remind you."


**********

Tom had just finished running a particularly challenging 
simulation and was going over the flight logs when he heard 
the chime of the simulator, indicating someone was outside.  
"All right, I'm just finishing.  I'll be right out."  The 
door opened and in stepped Susie.  "Hey, what are you doing 
here?"

"I just came by to see you.  We haven't spent much time 
together the past few weeks."

"No kidding.  Midterms suck."  

Susie replied, "I reserved the next block of time in this 
simulator.  No one's going to disturb us for a whole hour."  
The look on her face gave away her true intentions.

"You don't want to brush up your piloting skills do you?" he 
asked, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"No, flying I'll leave to you."  She stepped up to Tom and 
straddled him, setting herself in his lap.  

"Unless, maybe you can take me *flying* for real?"  Tom 
replied in a low voice.   

Susie brought her face close to his and began to breathe 
seductively in his ear.  "I'll take you  anywhere you want 
to go."  She pulled back and smiled before kissing him with 
a fervor that make it clear how long it had been since they 
had spent some quality time alone together.  This was 
definitely a prime fantasy of many a pilot, sex in the 
pilot's chair.  Susie kissed down his neck and back up to 
his ears, being sure to make contact with the very sensitive 
spot behind his ear.  Tom shuddered and his hands began to 
roam over her body.  He stroked her breasts through the 
cadet uniform.  Somehow he hadn't ever seen these uniforms 
as very sexy, but perhaps his opinion was changing.  They 
continued their deep and passionate kiss.  Susie broke the 
kiss for a moment and reached up to remove the clips that 
kept her hair in place and shook it out, allowing it to 
cascade down over her shoulders.  She paused to savor the 
sensuous look that Tom was giving her.  Tom then undid the 
front fastenings of her uniform and it flowed softly onto 
the floor.  They resumed their kiss and Tom returned his 
hands to exploring her soft skin.   Susie kept right up with 
him by taking charge of the disposition of his uniform.  
They continued until Tom found himself naked in the pilot's 
chair with a beautiful woman straddling his knees.  

"Wait a second, Susie."  She looked at him with a mix of 
irritation and disbelief.  Tom reached beyond her and 
touched several controls on the keypad.  A simulation of a 
cloud-filled sky came up on the screen ahead and to the 
sides of them.  He gave her a look, uniquely his own, which 
combined playfulness and sensuality.  "We'll just take a 
little ride up here for awhile."  

She answered with a low soft giggle and began to kiss his 
chest.  She changed her stance so she was standing between 
his knees, and continued to kiss her way down his body while 
moving to kneeling position in front of him.  She stroked 
him for a brief time before taking him in her mouth.  The 
pleasure she was inflicting on him was almost too much.  
Susie had gotten particularly good at pleasuring him this 
way.  When she realized he was getting close, she slowed her 
motions and then stopped, turning instead to kiss up his abs 
and chest again.  She kissed him once more and lowered 
herself onto him.  They moved together and enjoyed the 
sensation of every movement.  This semi-public place was 
only adding to their excitement.  When they finally 
climaxed, Susie stifled her cries with the back of her hand.  
She was still quite audible, Tom was sure.  The clouds 
continued to roll by, reflecting the floating feeling he 
had.  This was perfect.  The two things he loved most, the 
open sky and Susie in one experience.  Definitely a training 
exercise to remember. 

They finished dressing just as the door chime rang, 
announcing the next cadet was on deck for simulator time.  
As they exited, Cadet Thompson couldn't help noticing that 
one of the cadets who'd just been in the simulator was 
wearing a blue science-track uniform.  *They usually don't 
spend much time in flight simulators, do they?*  The 
science-track cadet appeared rather disheveled, actually 
both of them did.  Then he recognized Tom Paris from one of 
his classes.  

"Good exercise Tom?"  

"Hi Roger.  One for the books."  Tom replied without missing 
a beat.  The girl started a blush and looked like she was 
either going to melt into the floor or kill someone.  Tom 
wished Cadet Thompson good luck and escorted his companion 
down the corridor.  

Roger thought, "I can't wait to tell the guys about this.  
They did it in a simulator, in the middle of the afternoon!  
That took some nerve.  It's going to make a great story."

**********

It was November 9, Tom's 18th birthday, and Tom was 
diligently studying.  "Come in," he called in response to 
the door chime.  Susie entered the room and greeted him with 
a kiss.  

"Hello birthday boy.  What'cha doing?"  

"Thanks.  Still studying.  This Sub-Atomic Particle Physics 
seminar is killing me."  

She looked at him analytically, "Are you sure that's it?"  
He looked down, even for someone studying Sub-Atomic 
Particle Physics.  "Tom, you don't seem very happy about 
your birthday.  What, turning 18 has got you depressed?  You 
are getting older. But you're not getting old.  Things are 
just getting good."  She sat next to him and pushed up 
against his side.  "Come on what's up?"

"Susie, my Dad is going to be home."

"Uh-huh.  I know.  I finally get to meet the infamous 
'Scorcher'."

"You've heard that nickname?"

"Well, a few of the older cadets were more than glad to tell 
me all about your Dad.  They said they call him that because 
he leaves a scorched earth behind him, no survivors."

"He's got one hell of a reputation.  Unfortunately, I think 
it's well deserved.  He starts out a lecture saying, 'I'm 
going to teach you how to do this the right way, my way.  If 
you don't do it, you fail'."  Tom looked down at the floor, 
lost in thought.

"Tom, you haven't talked too much about him.  I know he has 
really been an influence on your life, sometimes way too 
much of an influence, more of a controlling factor.  But, 
he's your father after all, he cares about you."

"That's a great sentiment, and I hope it's true, but it's 
hard to tell.  He's not exactly a great communicator."
  
**********

Tom's birthday party was an understated affair, with only 
family members present.  The Admiral had only arrived back 
on earth a few days before.  His sisters Janet and Caroline 
had come home from the colleges they attended on the east 
coast.  Susie finally got to meet Tom's sister, Janet.  She 
was reserved and rather stately, reminding Susie of Tom's 
mother.  Janet was studying history, specializing in ancient 
earth.  Janet had wanted nothing to do with Starfleet 
either, her reasons weren't as clear as Caroline's, but it 
seemed that she couldn't bear the thought of following in 
her father's footsteps. 

They were making conversation in the dining room when Owen 
Paris arrived, just a few minutes late, as usual.  Susie was 
surprised by his appearance, his features were strikingly 
like Tom's, the same height and build, although a bit 
heavier.   He was quite gray, his hair in a short regulation 
Starfleet cut.  His eyes were a dull blue, almost gray, and 
then she saw it, an expression in them which could only be 
described as cold.  There was something very distant in his 
manner, even as he kissed his wife and daughters.  He shook 
hands with Tom, wishing him a Happy Birthday, with an almost 
professional air.   Tom introduced her, and the Admiral 
replied, "Good to meet you, Cadet."  

"Please call me Sue, or Susie if you prefer."  

"As you wish, Sue."  Dinner progressed without any 
remarkable events.  This family appeared to be relatively 
close, with lively conversation going back and forth between 
Elaine and her children.  They made an effort to ask Susie 
all about how her studies were going, and took time to fill 
in the background details of the gossip and stories they 
told, so she wouldn't be left in the dark.  Owen Paris 
remained relatively quiet.  He seemed ill at ease with this 
chatty mood.  

After dinner, his Mom presented him with a very traditional 
birthday cake, candles and all.  Tom blew out the candles 
and made a wish, but this time he didn't wish that things 
could be different with his father, he only wished to 
understand why.

**********

When they were back at the Academy relaxing in Susie's room, 
she decided she had to ask Tom about his father.  Susie had 
been puzzled by Owen Paris' manner.  From their brief 
interaction, he seemed very preoccupied, like he was always 
somewhere else, even on an occasion such as his only son's 
eighteenth birthday.  "Tom, your father seems so, distant.  
I can understand his being so tough professionally, but why 
is he like that at home too?"  

"He's always been like that, it's just worse than it used to 
be.  Something happened to him.  I don't know exactly what, 
but he's not the same.  He's colder than he ever was 
before," Tom answered dispassionately.

"What do you mean, something happened?" 

Tom looked preoccupied as he spoke, "A couple of years ago, 
he was on this deep space mission to the Arias system, 
supposedly to study massive compact halo objects.  The 
mission took them to the edge of Cardassian space, and 
somehow he was captured and held prisoner for a short time.  
I don't know the details, even my Mom won't tell me anything 
more than that."

Susie was incredulous.  "Why would the Cardassians capture a 
Starfleet officer and hold him against his will?"  

"They were close to the border of their territory, they 
probably thought Starfleet had sent them to spy.  I bet they 
were right." 

"But your father and his crew were on a scientific mission."

Tom shook his head.  "Susie, think about it.  Massive 
compact halo objects?  They sent a ship with a full crew on 
a two-year mission to study this obscure phenomenon in a 
part of space that just so happens to be at a strategic 
location on the Cardassian border.  And they're sent out 
just when the Cardassians are getting geared up to invade 
more of the alpha quadrant.  This was no scientific 
mission."

"Starfleet did that?  They arranged a spy mission?"  Susie 
had never heard of such a thing.

"What, you didn't know they were in the covert operations 
game?  There's a whole lot more cloak and dagger than the 
general public knows about.  When your dad is an Admiral, 
you pick up on the undercurrents."

"I thought that Starfleet was about exploration, and 
bringing different species together, helping cultures to 
progress without interference.  I didn't realize the lengths 
they might go to to do that.  It doesn't make sense to me."

"Sorry, but that's the way it is."

The turmoil Susie felt over this new aspect of Starfleet 
she'd just learned about overshadowed her concerns about Tom 
and his father.  "Tom, why didn't anyone tell us this before 
we started here.  I feel like I've been lied to, like they 
left out this whole side of Starfleet, and now I'm a part of 
it."

"It's not the kind of thing you publicize.  The majority of 
'fleeters probably don't really know what's going on.  I 
just have the good fortune to overhear conversations between 
Admirals on a regular basis, and I don't have any illusions 
about what Starfleet officers are like."

Sue felt betrayed.  She had completely bought into the 
positive aspects of Starfleet, and she had never thought to 
look for another side.  She'd been so idealistic.  Tom 
obviously lacked that idealism.  But right now Tom just 
looked lonely.  Her idealistic struggle was important, but 
right now she knew he was hurting.  "Tom, I really am sorry 
that happened to your Dad.  Is there any way you could talk 
to him about it?  Maybe he needs to tell you about it."

"I tried once after he came back.  He cut me off, telling me 
it was not my concern, and that it didn't affect me.  The 
look on his face, it was so cold.  That was the last time I 
really tried to talk to him."

"Oh Tom," Susie stood and put her arms around him.  "I don't 
know what to say."

"Just keep holding me like that, it helps."


*********

Tom was hesitant to tell Susie about the Holiday party at 
his parents' house.  One evening two weeks before the party 
he finally asked her to go.

"I've never been to a big formal party like that before, it 
could be fun.  I have this black velvet dress I've had for a 
while, but just never had an occasion to wear it."

Tom took a deep breath, "Actually, Susie, my Dad asked if we 
would wear our dress uniforms."

"What?" she replied dumbfounded.

"He asked if we would wear our dress uniforms.  There will 
be a lot of Starfleet brass there, and he thought it would 
be more appropriate than civvies."

She couldn't believe what she was hearing.  The party would 
be during off-duty time, there was no regulation that said 
she had to attend as a representative of Starfleet, and no 
good reason why she would have to go in uniform, nor be on 
display like that.

Susie finally answered, "It's one thing for the Admiral to 
tell you what to do, it's quite another for him to tell me 
what to do!  Unless I am to consider it an order?"

"No. Please. Do it as a favor to me.  It will keep him 
happy.  Is it really such a big deal?  How about we go 
somewhere really nice for New Year's.  We'll get dressed up, 
really do it right, okay?"

"Tom, the dress is not the issue."

"Then why does it matter what you wear?"

"It matters because he obviously thinks he has the right to 
interfere in any part of my personal life, even if it's the 
most insignificant detail.  He's got no right to think he 
can do that.  As an admiral, he can order me to do a report 
on stellar anomalies, or to do 20 pushups, he can even put 
me in the stockade for insubordination, but he cannot order 
me to wear anything other than what I want to when I am on 
my own time!  The fact that I am dating his son doesn't 
change any of that either."

"Susie, you know how my Dad is, and you know that he's been 
giving me an even harder time now that I'm at the Academy.  
The last thing I need to do is piss the guy off over 
something small.  All right, I know it's the principle of 
the thing.  But is it really that important?  Can we come to 
an agreement here?" he finished, his eyes searching her face 
for a resolution, as he squeezed her hand.

She looked into those deep blue eyes, and saw how much he 
needed her to help make the whole affair easier.  He 
obviously wasn't looking forward to it.  "For you, I'll put 
aside my personal objections."

"Thank you.  I love you, you know."  He took her in his arms 
and held her close.  "Sometimes I don't know what I'd do 
without you."

"I love you too, Tom."

**********

Sue stood stiffly, the collar of her uniform chafing her 
neck.  *Why did I say I would do this?* she thought.  This 
Holiday party at the Paris household was nothing like what 
she'd experienced before.  Everyone was either in full dress 
uniforms or designer fashions.  The best wine, the best 
food, and the decor was a testament to understated elegance.  
It was quite a spectacle.  Tom may have been uncomfortable 
too, but he appeared oddly at ease. 

"Hi Tommy.  Ohh, would you look at this.  Tommy in uniform," 
Purred a slight blonde girl as she sided up to Tom.  She was 
dressed in the trendiest look from Betazed: light, sheer, 
and pouffy.  

"Thanks.  Oh, Laura, this is Sue Crabtree.  Sue, Laura 
Robbins."  

"Nice to meet you."

"Likewise.  So you go to the Academy too?"

"Yes, I'm in the science track there, studying exobiology."

"My, that sounds like it keeps you pretty busy."  Laura 
turned to face Tom, her back to Susie.  "Tommy, I haven't 
seen you since the coming out last spring."  She threw Susie 
a look over her shoulder and continued, "He's such a good 
dancer.  He kept me up half the night."

Sue almost visibly bristled, and couldn't help thinking, 
*not like I do*.  Laura stepped up to Tom and slid her arm 
through his, "Tommy why don't you dance with me, just for 
old times sake?"  Sue was looking visibly peterbed.  Tom 
shot a look at that said, *calm down , I'll get rid of her*.  

"Laura, that's a great offer, but I've got to talk to 
Commander Aniston for a while.  You know, tell him how great 
his class is, that sort of thing.  Why don't you keep a spot 
open for me later?"

"All right.  Until later."  Laura gave him a coy look and 
swished off.  

Susie replied, "Lovely to make your acquaintance," and then 
said in a low voice, "Tom, where did you meet that twit?"

"She's Admiral Robbins' daughter.  He and my father go way 
back.  She's been after me for years.  God, she doesn't get 
any more interesting, no matter how many cultural excursions 
or seminars she goes to.  I may actually have to dance with 
her later."

"Why?  If you find her so uninteresting.. "

"Because she's Admiral Robbins' daughter.  I just can't 
ignore her completely, my Dad would call it a bad career 
move.  Laura is a twit, but she has her Daddy's ear, and if 
she decided that I'd been rude to her or something then 
she'd plant a bug in his ear about me.  I've got him for 
another Command Seminar next year, and I don't need that 
kind of problem."  He cast a look around the room checking 
to be sure all VIPs were out of sight.  "Come on, lets get 
out of here for a few."  They walked out onto the patio and 
Tom led her into a corner in the shadows.  He caught her up 
in his arms and kissed her ravenously.  When they stopped 
for breath, he said, "God, I've been waiting all night to do 
that."

"Me too."  The air was chill, and a slight breeze was 
mussing her hair.  She laid her head on Tom's chest and held 
him close.  "Tom, is this a typical Starfleet function?"

"Yeah, I'd say so."

"I didn't know there was so much politics involved.  From 
the Directives and all the things we're been studying, I 
thought Starfleet was full of idealists."

"No, that's just the young and stupid."  He laughed,  "Does 
my father strike you as an idealist interested in the growth 
and personal development of the cadets he teaches?"

"I thought he was an exception."

"Well, they're not all like him, but there are plenty of 
them to keep him company."

"I guess I had an idealized vision of what being in 
Starfleet meant.  I didn't grow up with it like you did."

"There are a lot of good things that the fleet does, and 
some incredible people.  But, there are also the Admiral 
Robbins and the Lauras around too."

"I think I'm finally beginning to really understand the kind 
of bull you've had to put up with while growing up."

"This is just the tip of the iceberg.  Just wait until the 
alcohol really gets flowing.  Then you start hearing the war 
stories."  He gave her a squeeze and looked into her eyes.  
"Someone's going too miss us, let's get back in.  You 
ready?"

"Just one more kiss."  He gave her a smile that she felt 
down to her toes, and provided her request.  

The remainder of the evening was spent listening to stories 
of battles and intrigue in Starfleet, the whole of it 
simultaneously boring and disgusting Susie.  The only thing 
that made it easier was that Tom stayed with her most of the 
time.  She had never seen him work a room like this.  The 
parties they'd been to at the academy Tom was sociable, and 
often at the center of attention, but this was not a group 
of their peers.  This was a group of very senior officers, 
and Tom was talking the talk with them.  If she didn't know 
better, she would have thought that Tom liked this sort of 
thing from the way he carried it off. Was this the same 
person who had been so reluctant to come here just a few 
days before?  She realized that Tom had been training for 
this kind of role probably about as long as he'd been 
training to fly.  How did he manage to look so sincere while 
kissing up?  He wasn't sincere about this bullshit, was he, 
or was he just one hell of an actor?  That thought made 
Susie uncomfortable.  She'd always thought that Tom was 
sincere with her, but seeing him like this raised a small 
shadow of doubt.    

After the party they retreated to Tom's room.  "Gods, that 
was unbelievable.  I just had no idea.  I thought that all 
people were treated with equal respect and that the 
directives were the credo that everyone lived by.  What was 
this blood and guts crap?"

"Susie, sometimes a show of strength is the only way to 
ensure peace, and some of the other governments in the 
quadrant aren't as humane or even rational.  Sometimes you 
need to defend yourself.  These people have been up close 
and personal with the downside of diplomacy and humanitarian 
efforts."

Susie thought Tom was still in the same mode as she'd seen 
earlier in the evening.  She did not like what she was 
hearing.  "I got the impression that they got a kick out of 
that stuff," she asked.

"A lot of them do.  Some of them would rather they'd never 
been in a fight at all."

"How do you feel about it?"  Now she had to know how he 
really felt, not the party line.

"What?  Going into a firefight?  What do you think half of 
my simulator time is spent doing?  I need to practice 
evasive and offensive maneuvering.  That's what I'm training 
to do.  A pilot's job is to get a ship from point A to B, 
and do whatever's necessary to get there, including 
offensive tactics.  You're responsible for peoples' lives," 
Tom answered with conviction.

Susie wasn't sure how she wanted to take his answer to her 
question, but her gut reaction was to be upset by it.  "So, 
you're comfortable with the idea of blasting a shipful of 
sentient beings into oblivion because a few of the higher 
ups can't decide on a line on a map?"

"No fair, that's an exaggeration."

"Is it?  You really are O.K. with this violent side to 
Starfleet, aren't you?"

"Look, no one likes a conflict, but if it happens, you've 
got to be ready.  Would you want earth and it's colonies to 
be left defenseless?"

"Defense is fine with me, but what I saw tonight isn't 
defense.  Somehow it seems selective.  We have a pretty good 
idea about what's going on with the planets near the 
Cardassain border.  Why isn't Starfleet defending those 
people against the Cardassian forces?"

"You're overreacting.  You know Starfleet isn't prepared to 
enter a full-scale conflict with the Cardassians."

"Maybe."

"Look, I'm not up to a political debate right now, I've had 
enough of that tonight,"  Tom replied, sounding tired. 

"I'm sorry.  I'm just really upset about this.  This is not 
what I expected from being in Starfleet.  I mean I knew it, 
but seeing it for real, I just don't know if I can handle 
it."

"You learn after awhile."

"I'm not sure I want to."  Susie's brow furrowed and she 
continued, "It's always been really important to me to be 
true to my beliefs, and not to compromise.  My mom says this 
makes me stubborn."

"She's right," he said lightly, trying to ease the tension.  

"She probably is," Susie replied, but felt a knot in her 
stomach tighten. 


*********

Susie was putting in some extra time in the lab, trying to 
get ahead of schedule so she could take more time to study 
at finals.  Her work right now was very routine, which gave 
her plenty of time to think.  Her thoughts kept going back 
to Tom and the party.  She was trying very hard to reconcile 
what she'd been learning about Starfleet with what she'd 
always envisioned.  It was the best place for her to get an 
education in exobiology, but she was beginning to reconsider 
the commitment to Starfleet.  She wasn't sure it was 
something she wanted to align herself with.  That thought 
led to the inevitable question about Tom.  Not only had she 
come to see Starfleet in a new light, she had seen Tom in a 
new light as well.  She still cared deeply for him, but he 
had changed, even in this one semester.  He was doing what 
he needed to do to be a good officer.  Susie didn't want to 
be a good officer, and she realized she didn't want to be 
with one either.  She found herself crying over her lab 
notes, as she realized what she had to do. 

**********

Tom was studying in his room when he heard the door chime.  
Thankful for the interruption, he answered, "Come in."  It 
was Susie.  "Hello there,"  he said with a smile and then 
wrapped his arms around her and kissed her enthusiastically.  
She didn't kiss him back, at least not like she usually did.  
"I thought you were going to be in the lab late tonight."  
When she didn't respond right away, he knew something was 
wrong.  "Is there a problem with the research?" 

"No.  The work is going fine, I'm actually ahead of my 
schedule."  

"You look like you have something on your mind.  Do you want 
to talk about it?"  

"Oh, Tom."  She moved to the bed and sat down.  "Come here," 
she patted the bed next to her.  "I'm afraid there's 
something I need to talk to you about, but I'm not sure how 
to do it."  Tom was beginning to get a sick feeling in the 
pit of his stomach, but he didn't know why.  

"You could just go ahead and say what's bothering you."  

"Tom, I need to know something."  

"Sure, anything you want to know."  

"You're planning on completing the program here at the 
Academy, and training as a pilot, right?"  

"Right.  I love flying, I can't see myself not doing that."  

"But after, you're going to select the Command Track, aren't 
you?"  

"Well, it looks that way.  It would be the best way to 
advance in rank and responsibility."  

"I think that's the Admiral talking.  I want to know what 
you want to do."  

"I just told you."  

"Come on, do you really believe all of that?  Tom Paris 
really wants to command a ship and just tell someone else 
where to fly it?"  

"Not exactly."  They hadn't really ever discussed the 
specifics of his choice of career.  But she had pointed to 
the one major flaw.  Tom didn't want a career as a Starfleet 
officer, all he really wanted to do was fly.  

"This Command Track has a lot of social responsibilities 
too, doesn't it.  Like the party at your parents' house?"  

"Yeah.  That comes with the territory."  

"Tom, I think I know you well enough to be sure that you 
don't want to live your life like that.  Why are you so 
willing to give it up and just go along with what your 
father wants?"  

"Look, I told you.  I have to pick my battles with the 
Admiral.  I'm not ready to fight over this with him yet."    
An expression she slowly recognized took over his face.

"But, Tom, this is your life!"  

"I know that.  Shit.  Why do we need to argue about this?  
That's the way things are, and there's not much I can do 
about it right now."  

"That's what worries me.  I see the direction your life is 
going, and I know you don't like it.  Yet you seem helpless 
to change it.  I don't like Starfleet politics, the whole 
command scene.  It's just a bunch of puffed up social 
posturing.  I saw what your family is like over the 
holidays, and I realized something."  She moved to kneel in 
front of Tom, placing her hands on his knees.  Her voice 
began to waver, "I can't live that kind of life.  Those 
people are so shallow, they don't realize how their actions 
affect others.  People are pawns to them, and individuality 
is not something they accept well.  You're not like that by 
nature, but I don't know what's going to happen to you if 
you spend your life keeping up with them.  I'm afraid the 
Tom I know and love now won't exist anymore.  I love you so 
much, and I don't want to see you end up as cold and 
detached as your father, but if you take this path, I can 
see it happening.  The life and spirit are slowly being 
drained out of you.  As much as I want to be with you,  I 
can't stand by and watch you become something like Owen 
Paris." 

"My father wasn't always like that.  Susie, a Starfleet 
career is important to me.  I want to prove that I can do 
it, that I can be a good student, a good pilot, and a good 
officer.  Do you understand the kind of commitment it takes 
to be all those things?  You know how hard I've worked."  

"Yes I do understand!  But has all that work been for Tom 
Paris or for that,..... that damn that red shirt!"  She cried, 
the tears now streaming down her face.  She grabbed him by 
the collar, "You would give your life over to your father 
and this place, without ever really knowing who you are or 
what you want to do?  You would choose command and all that 
goes with it over anything else?"  

"I can't do anything else," he replied.  She released his 
collar and looked down at the floor.  

"Tom, I love you, I probably always will, but I can't do 
this anymore.  If we don't end this now, it will just get 
worse.  I can't watch the Tom I love disappear , and slowly 
be replaced by something else."  She looked up at him with 
tears pouring down her face.  "Oh God, this is really hard, 
it hurts so much."

"Gods, Susie, please, don't do this.  Think about it.  I 
love you, and I don't want to lose you.  You don't need to 
decide anything right now."  

"Tom, if I don't then I might not be able to later."  They 
held onto each other so tightly, but Tom could barely feel 
her, it was as if he'd gone numb.  "I've got to go now.  
Maybe we will see each other around on campus.  I still want 
to know how you're doing, and talk once in a while, if 
that's allright with you.  I don't know if I can make it 
through this place without you to talk to."  

Now more than his body was numb, but he felt his face almost 
work up a smile, "Susie, that would be good with me.  You're 
a great gal.  I'll see you around."  

She looked at him as if seeing a sight that chilled her 
soul, "Oh Tom, I'm so sorry."  She stepped to the doorway 
and looked back at him, her eyes giving away every bit of 
the pain she felt.  "Goodbye Tom,"  and she stepped through 
the door and he watched it close behind her.  

"Bye Susie."  Tom sat down again.  The numbness wasn't going 
away.  She'd cried a river of tears in the last few minutes, 
but he didn't feel like crying.  He didn't feel much of 
anything at all.  She was gone, and from her tone, she was 
very decided about it.  Was she right?  She certainly had 
the right to chose to do whatever she wanted, and so did he.  
Yeah, sure he did.  She could look the Admiral in the eye 
and tell him what she thought his way of life.  She could 
face that penetrating stony look of disappointment if she 
wanted.  He couldn't.  An overwhelming sensation of fatigue 
came over him, all he wanted to do was sleep, just go to 
sleep.

*********

The next few days were rough, to say the least.  Susie 
buried herself in research, making great progress.  She even 
generated a result so intriguing that her advisor offered to 
let her be a co-author on a paper describing it.  She was 
exhilarated by her work, but her heart ached.  She wasn't 
sure she'd done the right thing with Tom.  She had seen the 
changes, however subtle in the past semester.  He was on his 
way to a successful career as a Starfleet officer.  He was 
still irreverent and a wiseass, qualities which she didn't 
just tolerate, but loved in him. However, Tom was not the 
same guy she'd met on the beach.  He was just that much 
colder, that much more detached.  He was developing the 
detachment that a command officer has to have.  That might 
be fine for other people, but she didn't believe that it was 
really Tom, and she knew she couldn't be with a man who 
lived his life like that. 

Tom spent the next few days sleepwalking through his life.  
He went to class, studied, even hung out with friends, but 
he wasn't really there.  He didn't know if he should go see 
Susie and try to work things out with her.  Somehow that 
didn't seem likely.  She wasn't mad at him for any of the 
typical reasons a girl might dump you.  She hadn't met 
someone else, unless you counted tree frogs as competition, 
he hadn't cheated on her, nor any of the other offenses ex-
boyfriends have been said to commit.  This girl, perhaps he 
should say this woman, had left him because he was going to 
be a Starfleet officer, and by all indications, a damn good 
one.  She left because of a philosophical objection to the 
necessities of command.  Good God.  He knew she was, 
relatively speaking, out there.  Her views on life were not 
typical, but she had fascinated him.  There was nothing 
vacuous about her, and he'd never gotten the feeling she was 
molding herself to suit him.  That, sadly, was exactly what 
she'd done.  She refused to change or compromise on 
something that was vitally important to her, and couldn't 
reconcile her relationship with Tom with her personal 
ideals.  How could he be angry with her for sticking with 
her beliefs?  He sure could, what she did hurt like hell.  
He loved her, and she was gone.  He missed her company, her 
support, her love.  He knew her well enough to know that she 
didn't make decisions lightly, and lived with few regrets.  
She couldn't be convinced to change her mind.  He'd been 
lucky so far that he hadn't seen her around campus.  The 
semester was now in the final week before exams, so she was 
probably busy in her lab.  He realized that he couldn't 
stand to be wondering if he would see her around the next 
corner.  The concern was getting oppressive.  He did have a 
way out.  The next semester was a physical training 
semester.  Cadets could choose a location depending on 
preference of location or program.  He had previously chosen 
the base in Colorado because of it's proximity to great 
natural ski slopes.  Susie had chosen the same location.  
The other options were Novosebiersk which specialized in 
survival training, San Francisco at the Academy, Da Nang 
another survival training locale, and Marseilles.  The 
Marseilles base had been established in the early days of 
the Federation and had been a token establishment to honor 
the countries which had founded the United Nations, a 
forerunner of the Federation.  Marseilles offered the basic 
training program and ready access to the old cities of 
Europe.  Wine, women, and song, a sure cure for a broken 
heart.  And a place to make some decisions about your 
future.  He couldn't help wondering, "What if she was 
right?"  Was he different, was he changing somehow?

Tom sent a communication to his father informing him of his 
decision to change his assignment for the next semester.  He 
didn't bother to mention Susie.  

**********

Tom had just finished his last final exam.  Sub-Atomic 
Physics hadn't gotten any easier during the semester.  It 
was entirely possible that he'd flagged it.  It was out of 
his hands now.  Concentrating was just so difficult.  He was 
distracted, and he knew it.  He kept thinking about her.  He 
hadn't felt great the last week either.  Finals could really 
stress a guy out.  He'd actually broken out in hives.  
Probably stress-induced the doctor at the infirmary had told 
him.  The doctor had also attributed his fatigue and malaise 
to end-of-semester stress.  Tom knew there was more to it 
than that.  He just wanted to get the hell out of here, 
today.  He headed back to his dorm, and almost ran into her.  
"Hello Tom."  

He stopped and caught his breath, "Hello Susie.  What are 
you doing over here?"  

"I just stopped by hoping to see you."  She replied, with 
uncertainty filling her voice.

*Why, so you could stomp on my guts some more?* He thought 
to himself. 

"I wanted to wish you luck next semester.  James mentioned 
that you opted to go to Marseilles." 

"Yeah, I did.  Thought I could use a change of scenery."  
*And continent.*

"Tom, I know it's asking a lot, but I don't want you to be 
so angry with me, I can see it in your face."  

"I'm not angry with you."  The expression in his face 
hardening as he said, " You made a decision, and there's 
nothing I can do to change it.  You're doing what you feel 
you have to, whatever I feel isn't going to change your 
mind."  

"Tom, I wish you could see what's happening here.  I don't 
think you'll be happy in Command in Starfleet, I think you 
know that it's true.  Why are you so adamant about doing 
it?"

His tone turned icy, "Look, we've gone over this.  My plans 
are already set, end of discussion.  If you can't understand 
or accept it, so be it."

"Tom, I'm sorry,  I didn't mean to upset you today..." she 
said with regret welling up in every word.

"You didn't.  Good luck to you in Colorado.  I'm sure I'll 
see you around in the fall.  See you later."

He turned on his heel and walked away.  *I have got to get 
out of here.*

Susie called out, "Goodbye Tom" after him, and tears started 
down her cheeks again.  She felt a tightening in her chest 
as she watched him turn the corner, and disappear from 
sight. 


The End